How to make a long-distance relationship work


How to make a long-distance relationship successful?


Distance is to love what wind is to fire, it blows out the weak and it fuels the strong.


Today’s college students will go their separate ways after graduation, so many people will eventually be forced to become long-distance relationships. According to statistics from relevant institutions, the probability of success in long-distance relationships is very low. Compared with normal relationships, the success rate of long-distance relationships is a hundred times lower than normal relationships. More than 50/50.

Two days ago, I saw this message in the background: “KY, I’m going to study abroad, and I may have to be separated from my boyfriend for a long time. Everyone says that it’s not easy to go to another place, and it is difficult for couples to survive even the best relationship, especially us.


Still a foreign country. Although I love him, I am still very pessimistic about our relationship… I am very distressed and want to know if it is really difficult to live in a different place? Will our love be no match for time and distance? ”


When I saw this question, I thought about the many friends who were in foreign countries with their partners during the study period. Some of them have successfully passed this period of separation from their loved ones, and some have really separated in the middle.


So, is it really harder and easier to break up than a close relationship? What other ways can people in other places get through this period better? Today, I am going to share with you something about long distance relationships.


We have some prejudices and misconceptions about long-distance relationships


As we’ve seen, long-distance relationships have long ceased to be a minority experience. A set of data from Dr. Guldner of the American Distance Relationship Research Center shows that as of 2005, tens of millions of people and their partners in the United States have been in a state of long-term alienation.


Moreover, more than 75% of non-single people said that they had at least a period of time away from their partners during their time together (there is a temporary lack of relevant data from reliable sources in China). Researchers believe it will become more common for couples to live apart.


make a long-distance relationship work

Are long-distance relationships really harder to maintain?


Research shows that the answer is no. In terms of relationship satisfaction, intimacy, trust, and relationship progress data, surveys showed no difference between long-distance and close-range relationships (Guldner & Swensen, 1995). And, compared to close relationships, long-distance relationships do not have a higher breakup rate.


In a Purdue University study, the breakup rates of long-distance and non-long-distance relationships were 27% and 30%, and there was no difference. Significant differences. Even, the breakup rate of long-distance relationships is slightly lower.


In addition, the researchers found that people in long-distance relationships were no more likely to cheat than those in close relationships— people who would have cheated didn’t stop doing so just because they were close.


However, constant suspicion and fear of a partner cheating in a long-distance relationship can lead to a breakdown, because trust is especially important in a long-distance relationship.


From the results of the study, it seems that long-distance relationships do not really have a bad impact on relationships, but this is actually because long- distance relationships themselves have their own unique advantages:


1. Long distance couples are more willing to express their love honestly than close couples


Research by Jiang of City University of Hong Kong and Hancock of Cornell University concluded that it is geographical separation that makes couples more eager to communicate with each other. They also found that long-distance couples had more self-disclosure in their interactions and were more willing to express their love for each other boldly and directly.


2. Distance makes people idealize the other half


There is also research showing that people in long-distance relationships are even more satisfied with their partners and relationships than in close relationships. This is because, due to the long distance, two people rarely have the opportunity to see some minor problems in each other’s daily life, and it is difficult to quarrel over trivial matters like couples who meet every day, so people in long-distance relationships tend to be idealized own partner.


They will call the person who they talk to every day and miss them all the time, and imagine in their minds a person who is better than the real Ta, so they are willing to devote more to this relationship. And this is actually a manifestation of cognitive dissonance – “Since I am willing to endure the loneliness for such a long time and distance for this relationship, it must be because the other party is a worthy person.”


3. Some people actually prefer long distance relationships


Some people will feel that the state of separation has reduced a lot of unnecessary constraints and restrictions, allowing both parties in the relationship to be more free to pursue their studies, careers, or develop their own hobbies.


In a study by Maguire (2007) it was found that a small percentage of people even deliberately seek out a partner who is not in the same place as them, because they believe that this way they can “fully have and enjoy their time and their partner at the same time” time”.


Of course, being in another place does bring some challenges to the relationship.


1. Time and money pressure


You may travel back and forth in order to see each other, and you need to make time for a vacation you could have; you also need a sum of money for transportation and lodging, and a body to withstand the long journey. Whether they are willing to make such a sacrifice for each other is determined by themselves, and those couples who are willing to be in different places for a long time have a more solid emotional foundation.


2. The most frustrating thing about being away is when your most pressing and most responsive needs are not being met.


The distance in space and time becomes particularly unacceptable when people are most vulnerable. This vulnerability can be psychological or physical. For example, you suddenly learned a news that hit you hard, and your emotions almost collapsed. Just words and voices are not enough to comfort you, but the person you need most is thousands of miles away. Another example is that you are sick in bed alone, and the person who said he will take good care of you is unable to get to your side in time anyway.


3. The easiest time for a long-distance relationship to break up is not in progress, but after the two reunite


A survey by Ohio State University found that as many as one-third of couples who persisted through a different period broke up within three months of their reunion. Among them, there are many couples who have persisted in different places for several years.


Why are these people able to spend long and unbearable days when their partner is not around, but then quickly separate after finally getting back to each other? There may be two reasons for this:


First of all, as mentioned above, the problem of excessive beautification of each other in different places. Due to being separated for a long time, you who put on filters for each other ignore the small problems in Ta’s daily life, which are not big but affect your mood very much. And living together again means that you will have to face these trivial problems that you may encounter in your life, which will lead to conflicts and quarrels.


Second, distance can also obscure some of the larger, less visible problems in the relationship, because the amount of time and ways you can spend time with each other is limited. Even if the problem is faintly felt, the remote location may make people choose to ignore or delay – “Maybe I think too much”, so that the two people miss the best time to resolve the conflict.


How to better spend the off-site period and make distance work for you?


One of the most important things to do when facing a long distance relationship is that you first try to cast aside the prejudice against the long distance relationship itself and the mistrust of your relationship.


Read also | Fear of loving and committing: what are they hiding?


A common scenario for a failed long-distance relationship is: at the outset, it is pessimistically concluded that a long-distance relationship is difficult, and that in all likelihood it will break up. Then, in the process of being in another place, whenever there is any problem or friction in the relationship, attribution is immediately attributed – “Sure enough, it is difficult to be in another place.”


At the same time, because of the belief of “difficulties in different places”, he consciously or unconsciously does not take the initiative to make efforts to maintain and improve the relationship between the two.


This process is a kind of self -fulfilling prophecy – you predict a negative ending for your relationship, so whether you think so or not, whether you want to admit it or not, your attitude and behavior is bringing you to that end.


So, how does a long-distance relationship work?


1. Use different places to learn better solutions when facing conflicts and contradictions on both sides


In the early stage of off-site, some prominent problems that should be dealt with will be quickly exposed. For example, one person is very restless and needy, while the other person is more aloof and distant. In addition, although long-distance relationships seem to be able to avoid most of the daily trivial quarrels in close relationships, there are still other conflicts, big and small.


It is not difficult to imagine that the vast majority of conflicts in different places are related to communication. But the good news is that distance is actually a tool that can be used to improve communication problems.


First, distance gives people an opportunity to communicate better when an argument is about to happen or when an important topic is to be discussed. When you feel that you don’t know how to express what you want to say to the other party, you can tell him in a text message, on the phone, or in a video: “I want to wait a while, when we all think more clearly , and discuss this matter.”


At the same time, you also need to make it clear that you take the topic or question seriously, that you really need time to think about it, not that you are running away from it.


And expressing this in a face-to-face communication is actually very difficult to do. Because in that case, you will feel the pressure and emotions from the other party more intuitively. Moreover, if you leave in front of the other party under the gaze of the other party, it will be more likely to cause subsequent conflicts than doing so online.


Similarly, distance also gives you a chance to think twice before you say anything. In a quarrel with your partner, it is easy for people to blurt out the words that they regretted for a while, but in non-face-to-face communication, you have more time and space to think carefully and think clearly. How should I say this myself.


Read also | 365 reasons to love each other every day of your lives


People often feel that ignoring the other person when they are emotional makes them even more angry. But the truth is, if you’re not sure how you should communicate with the other person, it’s better not to respond right away with something that might make the situation worse, but to figure out how to better solve the problem first.


2. Some tips on “how to communicate”:


  • Sincerity is the most important

Have the courage to discuss your fears, insecurities, jealousy and other emotions with each other. When you encounter unhappy things, don’t bear it alone. Remember, TA can give you strong support.


Candor can also save you from a crisis. If you’re going to have a drink at a bar tonight and you know it’s going to upset your significant other, you should still tell them ahead of time. Because if you hide it, you may create a bigger crisis.


Remember: this isn’t just about being faithful to your partner, it’s also being honest with yourself.


  • Schedule regular call times according to the other party’s schedule, but don’t over-communicate

Set a fixed weekly call time in advance rather than remember to contact the other party. That way, the anticipation of the date will be exciting, and you won’t have to blame each other for not being in touch with each other.


To effectively schedule appointments, you can share a schedule with each other and not interrupt each other when they have important things and arrangements at hand. Schedule activities such as videos, phone calls, etc. at a time that is convenient for you. This is especially important if you are in different time zones.


But don’t over-communicate. Some people stay on the phone 12 hours a day because they are afraid that their emotions will become weak. On the one hand, we cannot ignore our partner, on the other hand, we must take control of our own life. Sometimes Less is more. Overcommunication can make you both feel tired.


  • To ensure a certain amount of face-to-face communication

Studies have shown that, compared with pure text and voice communication, increasing the ability to see each other in communication will improve both parties’ satisfaction and trust in the relationship, and long-distance couples who communicate more face-to-face are also less likely to break up (Dainton & Aylor, 2009). ).

So make sure there are some opportunities for you to actually “see” each other. If you can’t meet in person, a video call is also a good idea.


3. Some tips on “what to communicate”:


  • Share new things about yourself with each other in time and do the same

What interesting variety show have you discovered recently? Which novel did you read that impressed you the most? Which new sport have you fallen in love with? What kind of new friend did you make? Sharing each other’s lives in time will bring you closer together and won’t feel further away from each other’s lives because of distance.


Read also | 20 reasons i love you so much


When sharing all kinds of trivial things about yourself, don’t just complete a sentence or two like a task, but preferably some materials that can visualize your description, such as pictures, voices, small videos, etc. They can be as simple as: “Meet a cute stray cat in the neighborhood today,” plus a picture of that cat. Sharing these daily moments with each other can also make each other feel your love and intentions, and shorten the distance between each other’s hearts.


At the same time, you can also do some activities that you can do together even if you are separated from each other, and maintain a sense of interaction between the two people. For example, chasing the same TV series, discussing the plot together, or enrolling in the same online course, etc.


  • Carefully plan and manage the future together

You should both tell each other what exactly you want from each other. Especially when what you expect from each other has been linked to the future of both of you. That said, this communication is especially important when you both seriously want a common future life.

How to make a long-distance relationship work





The most dangerous thing about a long-distance relationship is mutual distrust, so whether it is a man or a woman, you must know each other’s trust. When you have any doubts, you must raise it in time, so that both parties can know each other’s thoughts and understand each other. situation.


How to make a long-distance relationship work


Any pair of long-distance relationships will be very sensitive to their psychological feelings. Because they are far away from each other, they do not know each other’s situation very well. Therefore, both men and women must try their best to suppress their negative emotions and face each other’s feelings positively. long.

How to make a long-distance relationship work


For girls in long-distance relationships, the sacrifice is the greatest, because girls’ youth is easy to get old, and they wait for many years, and they really need a man’s responsibility. Therefore, as a man, you must give your lover a sense of security and let your lover feel safe. Lovers can be at ease.

How to make a long-distance relationship work


The biggest enemy of a long-distance relationship is the third party, because when the third party appears, if either party is not determined, it will end the relationship. Therefore, both men and women, they should stick to their love and treat their lover responsibly. In fact, this is also responsible for themselves.

How to make a long-distance relationship work


Long-distance relationships should go to see each other more, no matter how far away, it should not be a reason not to meet. No matter who has time between a man and a woman, he should visit his lover, so that two people who love each other can strengthen their love for each other more.

How to make a long-distance relationship work


Couples who are in a long-distance relationship should remember one thing, and end such a long-distance love run as soon as possible, because a long-distance relationship always brings a lot of estrangement, so as long as both parties have the means, try to end the long-distance relationship as soon as possible, so that your relationship can be real. stabilize.

How to make a long-distance relationship work

Research has also shown that when two people seriously envision their future life together—where they will live in the future, and how they will share household chores in the future, they will bring more positive emotions and a sense of hope to the relationship.


At the same time, you need to constantly convey to the other party and yourself: “I value this relationship very much, and the distance between us is only temporary. I will work harder for the day when we embrace again through time and space.” In addition, If the length of time between the two of you is clear, you also need to tell each other clearly and clearly.


It’s about the sense of commitment between you, and the reason many long-distance relationships don’t survive is inseparable from the uncertainty in the relationship. The results of a survey by Katheryn Maguire, a scholar of intimacy and long-distance communication, found that in long-distance relationships, those who identified a specific time when they could reunite with their partner were more satisfied with the relationship and were more likely to be more satisfied with the relationship. Not easy to feel depressed.


The last thing I want to tell you is that it is not right to attribute all the reasons for the breakdown of a relationship to “distance”. More often, there are problems in the relationship, but these problems are magnified in the face of distance and become a fatal blow to end the relationship.


So it’s not the distance itself that’s scary. And wanting to manage a long-distance relationship well is not much different from managing a close relationship. “Distance is to love what wind is to fire, it blows out the weak and it fuels the strong.” I wish you strong feelings.


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