Love is a mystery, its duration even more so. Some tips to make your relationship last.
Going beyond the famous milestone of seven years sometimes seems very complicated. A couple who pitches, who launches or who hesitates? To make the love last beyond the passion of the beginnings is however not impossible. Patience, passion and courage: with a few tricks and a lot of desire, your love will still be just as immature at 50 !
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Love, believe it to see it
Awaken the passion once the children are gone ? To make last a couple which begins? Love requires only one condition sine qua non: to believe in it! Leaving defeatist leaves no chance for the life of two, and does not lessen the pain in the event of a breakup … Why not play the game to the end, and convince yourself that your story will last forever? Love is a feeling coming from the heart. Trying to reason with him is a waste of time, trying to understand him almost as much. Better to live it intensely, to trust in life, in love… and above all in yourself. Sometimes, having faith in your relationship is enough to distill happiness, lightness and magic into it.
A love that lasts thanks to tolerance
Reunited one day , reunited forever? A hope that has guided couples since the dawn of time. To achieve this, it is better to be patient! Each household goes through hardships, starting with the gap separating the euphoria of a budding relationship from the daily life of a couple. A love that lasts requires letting go of fantasies to accept reality. Your weapon? Tolerance. It’s human to be annoyed by your spouse’s little flaws . On the other hand, letting annoyance degenerate into chronic arguments suffocates the couple. Life as a couple is not a long calm river: learning to see the positive, to show kindness and to let go of the negative will take your love much further.
To prolong the love, be careful not to get lost!
You have just found your prince charming , the relationship is beautiful and new… You have only one desire, to never leave him. Besides, you plan to cancel an appointment, or even two, to spend more time with him? Now is the time to watch yourself. Your spouse has fallen in love with an independent woman, with her hobbies, her friends and her habits… Giving them up for him is a love killer! Making time for your couple is a question of organization, not of sacrifice: work on your life together, make efforts and compromises, but don’t give up your life as a woman.
“Life is precious, but love is more expensive. If it is freedom, both can be thrown away. ” This sentence comes from a poem written by the famous Hungarian poet Petofi – “Freedom and Love”, which is translated as Multi-national languages, spread around the world. This poem expounds the value of life and love in the first Life is indeed precious, but when true love appears, it is more important than a person’s life.
Hugo said: “For love, what is a year? It is a minute and a century. It is a minute because in the sweetness of love, it is fleeting like lightning; it is a century because it is in us Happy immortality after life is built on the body.”
Love is the most talked about topic in our life, the most touching topic, and the most misunderstood topic. Since love is so important, let’s talk about love today in combination with the content of Harvard’s happiness class, how to make love last forever, and how to get sweet happiness in love.
no one is an island
Communication between people is a natural need. No one is an island, and no one can survive and grow without interpersonal relationships.
In the happiness class, Mr. Tal talked about a study of extremely happy people: Professor Martin Seligman selected a group of the happiest people among many volunteers who participated in the study of happiness. They have experienced difficulties, anxiety, and tension just like others. , depression, depression, etc.
But they recover emotionally faster than the average person, in other words, they have a stronger emotional immune system. And one of the reasons they have stronger emotional immune systems is because they have strong relationships, whether it’s a couple, soulmate, or close family.
How does having an intimate relationship affect our emotional recovery? The answer is that when you are happy, you will share happiness with the people you really care about, and share happiness, which will increase and magnify your happiness, and also make the other party happy. This is a win-win situation.
And when you’re going through hard times, having a close relationship can help you get over it. So whether it’s negative to zero or zero to happiness, close intimacy can significantly help make us happier. ” Few things are more predictive of happiness than a close, nurtured, fair, close, lifelong companionship, ” said David Myers, a professor of psychology at Hope College .
The term relationship has a broad and a narrow sense, but everyone can benefit from a relationship . Men generally benefit more because men have someone to share with, and women usually share happiness and sadness with certain female friends. And people of both genders, opposite or same-sex, benefit from intimacy.
When it comes to intimacy, we have to talk about marriage, so what is marriage? There’s a movie line that says it very well: “When you open your eyes in the morning, she’s there; when you come home at night, she’s there; eat, she’s there; you sleep, she’s there; it sounds scary, but it’s not, if You’ve found the right person, so it’s good to get married.”
Fragile ‘fresh’ relationships in marriage
As far as the marriage relationship is concerned, we must first mention the “extramarital affair” which is one of the most important factors leading to the breakdown of the marriage relationship. Today, two-thirds of the world’s “extramarital affairs” end in divorce. Although this is pessimistic, it does not mean that the remaining one-third of marriages live well.
Of course this does not mean that all marital relationships should not break up, because not every relationship is suitable. Just like no one would predict to the newlyweds at a wedding: “You’re only together for a while, maybe you’ll get divorced, maybe you won’t be separated until death”. What I’m trying to say is that many marriages turn into “quiet hopeless” relationships before they end, and many of these relationships either shouldn’t end or can actually be fine.
When everyone enters a relationship, they hope to continue the love and enthusiasm that they had at the beginning of their relationship, which is also the original promise of love . But apparently it often backfires, and one of the main reasons for this is that love, especially desire and passion, wears off over time.
We know that new things are always appealing and produce higher hormone levels. This explains why so many relationships break down, but the question is, is it necessarily part of our nature? The answer can be yes or no.
Saying “yes” is because novelty stimulates us more, and we’re good at adapting to that stimuli, so it must be part of our nature.
Saying “no” is because we become more motivated when something new comes along. Whether cognitively, psychologically, or physically or physiologically, we all adapt to changes over time, whether the changes are good or bad. So if it’s not an event aimed at a good outcome, if it’s not an experience like finding a couple, this ability is great. But what should we do when we encounter such a thing as a “third party”?
Let me share a study done by Tal: who is the most handsome man and the most beautiful woman in America. After some investigation and debate, Tal came to a scientific conclusion – Brad Pitt (American film producer, male) and Halle Berry (Halle Berry American film and television actor, female).
In the experiment, Tal asked the researcher to imagine that if you found your Brad or Halle, one of them is a rich and handsome man who is dedicated to attracting money, and the other is a rich and beautiful woman with fair skin and long legs. They love you no less than you love them and then you get married and you are happy and you live 5 years together with energy.
With this imagination, with your life memories with Brad or Halle, you take part in this psychological experiment to measure your physiological arousal level at this time. Wait a while, switch to another attractive person (star other than Brad or Halle), and try again. When measured again your physical arousal level is much higher than when you started with Brad or Halle living memory, why is that? Because novelty is always more attractive, new things will stimulate you more.
That’s why so many relationships end up falling apart, when they start out with the best and most sincere intentions, but end up in a quagmire. In fact, this research result does not matter whether it is good or bad, it just exists objectively and is based on facts.
If we want to have the happiness of love, to have a good and healthy marriage, the first thing we need to do is accept our nature so that we can master it. Given the fact that new things are more exciting, how do we create a healthy and long-lasting happy relationship?
Understand the meaning of true love
The first step before accepting reality and wanting to create a lasting relationship is understanding what true love really means.
Does true love exist? In movies and novels, so many couples say the perfect lines and create the perfect love, they are more exaggerated than the description of love in life.
The world-renowned speaker and author Leo Buscaglia wrote on love relationships: ” Perfect love is indeed rare, because being a lover requires you to always have the shrewdness of a wise man, the flexibility of a child, the sensibility of an artist, the sensibility of a philosopher, comprehension, the tolerance of saints, the tolerance of scholars, and the fortitude of those who are determined ”. In the face of such harsh conditions, who can do it all?
Perfect love does not exist. If you blindly expect your lover to have such a perfect relationship with you, you will be doomed to fail . When our expectations are higher than life, we are setting ourselves up for failure.
While perfect love doesn’t exist, true love does.
True love exists in an imperfect life. True love is a deep sympathy and love for the person you love, and you are not willing to throw away the slightest bit. True love is a glass of water handed by a lover when they are thirsty; true love is the open arms of each other when the lover is crying; true love is the thought of “if I don’t go home, she will not be able to sleep” flashes in your mind on the way home in a hurry ; True love is the exhortation of your lover to “go home early” when you go out; true love is the stubbornness of “I am willing to do everything as long as she is happy”.
I think the few vows I made when I entered the wedding hall were enough to express the realm of true love: “Whether poor or rich, whether healthy or sick, whether good or bad, love does not distinguish between high and low, no distinction between high and low, love each other, Never give up.” Love lies in the details, in the understanding of everything, in sharing and being understood, in listening and accommodating. This is the sign of a healthy relationship.
How to make love last longer
Now that we can understand the meaning of true love, how can we make the relationship last and not just stay in the initial state of memory? Combined with the research of some psychologists, Mr. Tal talked about the following method characteristics.
The first way to make love last longer is to work hard, nurture and manage it.
Effort is the best secret in the world, the secret of personal success, and the secret of emotional success. There are no shortcuts to success, and if we want a relationship to be good, we have to work hard for it.
Although this seems to be common sense, in the current era of the Internet driving entertainment first, people of any age will be exposed to a large number of movies that promote love, and these movies all stop abruptly when they get love. This also makes many people have wrong expectations about love and love, or to be more precise, have wrong expectations for a good relationship. Most people think that the key to having a good life-long relationship is to find the right man, to find your Mr.Right. This is important, but the mistake is to focus on finding.
In this regard, Mr. Tal mentioned two mentalities in the happiness class – “fixed mentality” and “plastic mentality”.
Contrast this and apply it to relationships: we can think that the key to having a happy relationship that lasts until death is to find the right man. This kind of mentality is equivalent to a “fixed mentality”.
With this mindset, what happens next if our relationship goes through a rough patch? We will begin to be full of doubts in our hearts and say “No, I must have made a mistake, found the wrong partner, and found the wrong Mr. Right”, and this “searching mentality” is often the reason why our relationship burns out. Because this kind of search mentality is fixed, we mistakenly believe that “if we have found the destined person and found our goddess”, we will get the perfect love. But reality is always cruel, we can’t get away from reality, and reality proves that perfect love doesn’t exist.
But if we instead embrace a relationship-building mindset, that mindset is malleable, and it’s exactly what we’re trying to do. With a “plastic mentality”, when facing some doubts in our love relationship, we will have a dialogue in our hearts “our emotions have encountered difficulties, we are going through hardships, but we are not afraid, because we are trying to improve, we trying to solve the problem.”
I think the outcome of our relationship is very different when comparing the two situations of “fixed mindset” and “plastic mindset”. Now think about your own life experience, why are people so stubborn about this “love-seeking mentality”?
One of the main reasons is the information we are exposed to. The current love movies are very exciting, showing us that everything is possible in love, and everything can be beautiful. But the movie didn’t do a good job. The movie focuses on finding the right man, which is gradually corroding our psychology and consolidating people’s “searching mentality” in love. Most love movie stories are always like this. In the early stage, there are constant challenges from struggles, quarrels, entanglements, and choices, but in the end, the protagonists can always be together happily before the screen falls.
This makes us seem to see a happy ending, but the problem is that in reality, the love we need to work hard to manage only begins at the end of the movie. What happens to us when we realize that our partner is not perfect after the initial physical, biological instincts have faded? When these problems arise, it is time for us to start working on love, and this is when true love needs to be cultivated and formed.
The second important way to maintain long-term love is to make changes and be willing to truly understand each other.
From wanting to be recognized, to wanting to be understood, if we want to be able to maintain our passion after the romantic period, after falling in love at first sight, we must form a deep intimacy with our partners. But how to cultivate it? Teacher Tal suggested that we can get to know each other as we know ourselves by gradually getting to know each other. If you are determined to let the other person know you, you must open up and speak your mind. This means we share with each other, whether it’s the wonderful things about the date, the things that have been suppressed for a long time, or the things that we are not very proud of.
Although some people will question: “What if he understands me deeply and doesn’t like me anymore?” Of course, after we gradually reveal our true feelings and open our hearts, there may be no obvious effect in a short period of time. But as time goes by, we will always be attracted by this kind of truth, especially our lover will gradually like you more.
Because there is a deeper understanding and intimate sharing between you, even if sometimes they don’t approve of what they just learned about you. But over time, sincere people will be more attractive to other people; the revealing of true feelings will move the other party’s heart more; sincere sharing will be more affirmed by the other party. In fact, not only in romantic relationships, but in any relationship, “truth, true affection, and true meaning” are both precious and lofty.
The third element of making a relationship last is allowing conflict in a relationship.
A common misconception about healthy relationships is that a healthy relationship is free of conflict, quarrels, and entanglements. This is a serious misunderstanding. Who dares to say that lovers who are in love don’t quarrel? Who dares to say that their parents never argue? I absolutely can’t believe this. In fact, whether it is a fierce dispute or a peaceful conflict, it will happen in any relationship, and any relationship will experience it.
But disputes, contradictions, or conflicts can also be positive or negative . Research from organizational behavior shows that healthy conflicts are cognitive conflicts rather than affective conflicts: cognitive conflicts focus on people’s behavior, thoughts, and ideas, and question objective reality; unhealthy conflicts focus on people’s emotions and themselves. To put it simply, it is a healthy conflict between what is wrong and what is wrong, and an unhealthy conflict between what is wrong and wrong.
For example: When the wife leaves in the morning, the husband promises to throw away the garbage in the house, and when the wife comes home in the evening, the garbage is still there. If she says, “You slacker, promised to take out the trash but didn’t, I don’t trust you anymore.” That’s personal, an unhealthy conflict. On the other hand, if the wife said, “You said you wanted to throw out the garbage but didn’t do it, and I came home to see a mess, I’d be very unhappy.”
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The same thing, the rhetoric of two different attitudes, has completely different consequences. The former is concerned with people, and the trust in her husband is shaken; At this time, the husband will also feel that he promised the first and failed to do it later, which caused the wife to come home unhappy. Resolving unnecessary negative conflicts from everyday conversational states and subtle reactions is the most important thing we need to pay attention to in a relationship.
Another important thing about conflict is that it makes us immune, just like a person who has never had a cold before has a cold, his body will be more able to withstand the virus than before. This is true of love, and even more so in a healthy relationship. If there is never any small conflict in love, then the relationship will not be consolidated and strengthened over time, and it will become fragile, and when these contradictions and conflicts are unavoidable, the relationship will be difficult to continue.
Therefore, any lasting love relationship is constantly working together to face conflicts and contradictions , and we also need to use the second way to maintain long-lasting love, and we need to know more about each other. There is a golden rule: do not do to others what you do not want to do to yourself. When applied to romantic relationships, we can also put it another way: do not do to yourself what others do not want you to do to yourself.
Finally, the fourth point about long-lasting healthy relationships is – positive perception, know how to praise each other.
In a healthy relationship, for the love to last as new, partners must be each other’s good sensers and appreciate each other. You must know that if you don’t know how to appreciate each other, the beauty will be devalued and become boring.
In a healthy relationship: We need to learn to appreciate our partner’s self-discipline, not self-discipline as stubbornness; appreciate our partner’s sense of humor, not as slickness. Focus on each other’s strengths, and those strengths will strengthen.
Studies have shown that successful, long-term happy couples are not only merit-perceivers, but also develop a positive delusion that they see their partner as much better than others. This also verifies the saying that we often say “Xishi in the eyes of the beholder”.
In addition to the perception of advantages, Mr. Tal also proposed an element to consolidate the relationship between couples – “creation of advantages”. There will be some points between couples that others can’t see. If these points can be turned into advantages and actively enlarged, this is the practice of “creation of advantages”.
Think of an example in the education world, is Marva Collins (the most legendary elementary school teacher in America) out of touch? Does Marva Collins have a positive delusion of her students? Not at all, Tal thinks Marva Collins is very realistic. She focuses on the positive aspects and creates advantages through it. This is also an example of practicing “merit creation”. Maslow said, “Love not only senses potential, but also converts it into reality.”
Love represents a responsibility, love is an unconditional giving and sacrifice, love is never ending and never lost. But love doesn’t mean that you don’t want to return, the return of love is the happiness and happiness of the other party, and the happiness of the other party is your happiness, and the happiness of the other party is your happiness.
A love relationship should be about mutual love. If you combine the above four elements, apply them to your love relationship skillfully and reasonably, and feel and comprehend with your heart, love will definitely be sweet and beautiful for a long time. Of course, the above methods are not only suitable for love relationships, but also very beneficial in family and friendship.
How does love last forever?
It’s not easy to find the right person, but it’s the hardest thing to stay together, my dear. If you want to build a lasting relationship, there are indeed some tricks, including being careful to talk too much and “saying death” to love.
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Image credit: shutterstock
compile Zhang Yongqing World Web only
Release time: 2017-09-15
The people introduced by the marriage agency have brought together tens of thousands of couples, but they admit that it is not the most difficult thing to bring two people who did not know each other together. The hardest part is often getting two people to establish a lasting and permanent relationship.
Growing old together is never easy, but according to these modern matchmakers, there are some tricks to creating a relationship that lasts forever.
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1. Chemistry is the glue of emotion
Professional matchmaker Rose said: “Life is about ups and downs. Chemistry is the glue that brings two people together. Chemistry is hard to define, but it has to be there.”
Rose has worked as a matchmaker for over 30 years. If what she says doesn’t convince you, here’s what the science has to say.
According to research published in Social Psychology and Personality Science, couples are very close-knit and have more physical interactions. Hugs and kisses both release Oxytocin, the so-called “love hormone,” which brings intimacy and connection.
Second, is one cold and one hot a perfect match?
When it comes to how partners can stay together for a long time, another matchmaker, Talia, believes that “many people will assume that the other half’s personality is exactly the same as theirs, but the same personality is often not a guarantee of long-term relationship.”
She believes that in a relationship, there is always one person who is more lively and outgoing, and the other person is more introverted and more supportive.
Talia said that people with lively personalities usually like to find people who are similar to them, but such arrangements are often not easy to succeed.
“People who are lively, lively and party-like, and they tend to want someone to hang out with and have fun with. However, we’ve found that it’s often not a long-term combination,” says Talia.
“If lively extroverts are compared to shining stars, they are most suitable for those who are confident and relatively introverted. Introverts are like the night sky, admiring the light of the stars, and calmly supporting the light of the other half.”
3. Stop complaining
“Elle” magazine columnist E. Jean Carroll said that while communication is the most important part of a relationship, there are some things it’s better not to talk about.
“Stop complaining,” Caro wrote.
Complaining about trivial things kills the fun in a relationship. “A lot of couples and couples decide to go their separate ways because they complain too much and it kills the love,” Caro said.
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