“Every intimate relationship is an opportunity for life to bloom again.”
This should be the first detailed and professional reference book about attachment types in psychology that I read after a short relationship. After reading it, I feel that many things are understandable. Although it is really regrettable, There is no resentment.
Rebuilding a Past Relationship
Through a large number of examples, this allows readers to more intuitively feel the similarities with their own experiences, which is very immersive and makes attachment theory’s explanation of the actual situation more convincing.
“As we got closer, his messages became more erratic and everything started to fall apart; he started telling me that he was too busy to see me, of course maybe every night. Sometimes he would claim that his entire work week is crazy, and ask me if I can only meet on weekends. Although I will acquiesce, there is always a strange feeling of depression in my heart, but what is wrong?”
It was helpless to say, because I had known him for many years and trusted each other, so when he said he was too busy to see me, and that the whole work week was crazy, I really believed it. Even when this happened at the beginning, I joked with my girlfriend, “This is because I know his character too well.
He said that he was really busy, so I didn’t doubt it at all. If you’re a scumbag, then you just pass the pass, how about fooling the ghost? Are you so busy? The scumbag doesn’t run away.” However, after a long time, my anxiety spread uncontrollably…
After the breakup, I fell into an emotional quagmire of extreme self-doubt and self-denial. After learning about the concept of “sex unrequited love”, I felt that I had grasped the life-saving desire to find the “real cause of death” of my relationship. After frantically looking up a lot of materials, I finally understood the academic term “avoidant attachment”, and then gradually understood Amir’s theory of adult attachment.
Adult attachment theory believes that adult attachment is mainly manifested in three “attachment styles”: secure, anxious and avoidant.
Securely attached people enjoy intimacy and are generally warm and loving;
Anxiously attached people are very eager for intimacy, and are often fully invested in romantic relationships, but are very worried about whether their partner loves them as well (commonly known as “love brain”);
People with avoidant attachment equate intimacy with a loss of independence, and they always try to reduce intimacy as much as possible (behaves like “scumbags”).
More than 50% of people with secure attachment, about 20% with anxious attachment, about 25% with avoidant attachment, and the remaining 3-5% are classified as a fourth, less common type, anxiety Avoidant type (has both anxiety and avoidance problems, that is, scumbags and scumbags with love brains).
In theory, it is possible to change the attachment style. On average, one in four people can change the attachment style every four years, but this change always happens unconsciously, so people often don’t realize it. the kind of change (not to mention the reasons for the change).
What’s fascinating about attachment theory is that it works across human groups. It lets us know what goes wrong in intimate relationships, and it gives us a more complete The most suitable for your partner. No attachment style is inherently “pathological,” and romantic behaviors that once seemed strange or incomprehensible are now understandable, predictable, and acceptable.
It gives the following scales for self-assessment of one’s own attachment style:
(After the test, I found out that I am an anxious type now…but I should have been an avoidant type before…)
(I wasn’t sure what type he was before, but now he is avoiding type…)
This describes in detail the behavior and internal logic of each attachment type, how to spontaneously change their insecure type, and how to get along with partners of different attachment types. Of course, the author also recommends choosing a secure partner if conditions permit. It will save you a lot of worry, get a better intimacy experience, and even slowly change yourself from insecure to secure.
I studied avoidant attachment (my past tense & his present continuous tense), and I really got a sense of “Eh? Isn’t this what I used to do?” “Wow! So I Those human bewilderment behaviors in the past are all based on theory!” “Isn’t that what he said?” “Oh, so that’s how it is.” Feeling.
People with the avoidant attachment style, despite being in a relationship, keep their distance from their lover and are even ready to run away. It is difficult for them to feel that they are fully engaged in love, and they do not feel that finding a partner is finding a warm home.
People with avoidant attachment style do not realize that their thinking is solidified. They confuse “self-reliance” with true independence, and have the idea that “only oneself can be trusted”.
This strong belief in self -reliance is very closely related to a resistance to intimacy. While avoidant people are confident enough to avoid relying on anyone, they do come at a price: a strong sense of self can drastically reduce the intimacy they experience in a relationship.It is difficult for them to speak out, to have a close relationship with their partner, and to get help from others.
When you start a relationship with a person who was once regarded as an ideal type and cared about with a serious heart, over time, you will gradually feel that the facts have disappointed you. The glowing image he had in you at first fades away, and you get overwhelmed by the suffocating intimacy and start to back off.
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Avoidant people constantly complain about their current relationship, and it is very easy to think of lost love from time to time.
Sometimes avoidant people do want to reconnect with their ex, so they start a vicious cycle of approaching and fleeing.Sometimes, even if the other party is also single, the avoidant type is reluctant to return to the other party, and at the same time, he continues to miss his ex from the bottom of his heart from time to time.
Alas – the avoidant type is too stubborn, unless they face up to their hearts spontaneously and actively seek change, otherwise it will be of no avail. (I was forced by the pain of breaking up to face up to my heart, understand all kinds of my past, and made up my mind to be a new person, um.)
Let’s talk about the wisdom that grows after eating the moat.
People in love are more or less influenced by some best-selling books on intimacy or cheating books and collections. For example, don’t appear to be too attentive, even if you are very idle, let the other party feel that you are busy ; don’t take the initiative. To contact him, wait for him to contact you; don’t seem too concerned about the other person; maintain a certain sense of mystery, and so on.
It seems that as long as you do, you can guarantee your own dignity and independence, while gaining the respect and favor of the other party. But in fact, everything you do is contrary to your own instinctive feelings and needs, and you put your original intentions aside and make yourself look strong and independent.
It is true that you are easily attracted to avoidant lovers. But by the time you feel it’s time to show your true self, it’s too late, because you’re too deep in your feelings to extricate yourself, and it takes a lot of time and energy to get rid of the pretense. And once you do, you’ll find that the avoidant lover suddenly cools down and starts to leave you.
So, effective communication is really important. The main thing is to find a suitable partner through communication, and to confirm whether the relationship meets your intimacy needs, whether it is a new relationship or a long-term relationship.
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At least in the initial stages of a relationship, if you need to repeatedly determine whether the other person loves you, say it bravely. Don’t be shy about expressing your own sense of dependence, feel that you are posting backwards, and dare not say it. Expressing your attachment will not make you vulnerable, but will build confidence and peace of mind.
Sure enough, the purpose of love is to allow us to grow after reflection.
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