That’s it, he’s gone. Now you’re down and the worst part is that you also have to take care of all the practical details that a separation entails.
But your heart will heal: it will be a long and painful process that will make you stronger and (why not?) ready to invest in a new love affair.
Life as a couple can be a security offering a reassuring routine. A breakup, even considered, even decided calmly, and even experienced as a relief, is a shock. It calls into question the fundamental principles of life as they had been considered.
It is entirely possible to survive and rebuild after a separation. But for the end of an important relationship to become the starting point of a new journey, you have to go through difficult stages…
The mourning of the lived history is essential and imposes to cross the classic and known stages until the outcome of the acceptance. The latter is essential to move to a state of fullness and appeasement in relation to your new single status.
In this article, we have analyzed the steps to be taken after a separation with the help of a psychologist. Also read the testimony of a woman who had experienced a complicated breakup.
The shock of separation
After? A little introspection is in order. The data is not the same depending on the situation.
The shock of separation can cause different problems and symptoms. They can last more or less long and be more or less disabling. Loss of appetite, great sadness, insomnia, anxiety, headaches, loss of confidence… the troubles that can arise during a separation are sometimes very destructive.
After the shock of separation, the questioning… The breakup is often experienced as a shock and a failure, because it is a question of accepting that you may have made a mistake in the choice of spouse, of to have changed, that the spouse has changed, to no longer have feelings, to no longer generate them… in short, we question ourselves more or less, and the finding is unpleasant.
Apart from these purely sentimental and psychological considerations, there is another more concrete aspect which is the material reorganization of life.
Priorities to manage
Once the decision to separate has been confirmed, the priorities concern the concrete organization of daily life. We must try to maintain a minimum of understanding with the ex-spouse, because the absence of dialogue or any other form of communication can only lead to even more conflicting situations.
– Children : if you have children, their well-being is the priority that will move you forward at first. Keeping landmarks for them will allow you not to lose your own balance. Their custody will be decided according to their age, the motivation of each parent, sometimes consultation with the children, their friendships, the distance between the parental homes.
– Moving : whether you are owners or tenants, the choice to keep the house by one or the other will require the other to leave the home. The division of property is a subject specific to each couple and its history.
– Administrative formalities: taxes, bank, social security, mutual, family name, are all information, data that will need to be updated.
– And you… In the midst of all these constraints, especially think of yourself. The separation that you have just experienced undoubtedly tends to devalue you or to question you. Do not cultivate this bad self-esteem and give yourself time for yourself.
If you left your spouse, your self-image may not be as degraded as if you were left. In the latter case, the fact of undergoing the separation is probably experienced in a less peaceful way. The ego takes a big hit and so does the trust you had in your spouse. Which in turn generates a lack of confidence in other men: “all the same”, but also in yourself: “if he doesn’t want me anymore, who will want the miserable person that I am? “.
If you want to have a good image of yourself that makes others want to connect with you, you have to have esteem for the woman you are. Gaining confidence and respect takes a little work and a few essential steps to take.
The steps to get out
If the separation is difficult to live with… It is during this stage that you must become fully aware of the irreversible nature of this separation. To get out of it, you will have to go through stages.
It is essential to accept that your paths go separate ways, even if for practical reasons (children, sharing DVDs together, exchanging keys, etc.), you will meet again. If you still have feelings that are hard to control, choose a neutral place for formal meetings, don’t let memories overwhelm you, bring a friend with you, and plan for the future.
The more false hopes you hold, the longer the road to serenity will be.
Date with yourself
Life as a couple inevitably requires concessions. In a balanced relationship, they are supposed not to be burdensome. In other cases, invaded by everyday life and by weariness, concessions can turn into sacrifices and become automatic. Little by little, in order to avoid conflicting situations, you will erase yourself so as not to upset the other. No need to log yourself for what you might consider a weakness.
Reuniting after a breakup Separated from the one who more or less “shaped” you in his own way, it’s time to reunite. You can now make an appointment with your “authentic self”. Be careful, do not expect to necessarily find the one you were before meeting your spouse, you have necessarily changed. Just be sure to let your desires express themselves which were buried so as not to displease the other.
If you have accumulated too many painful memories, do not hesitate to change your place of residence insofar as this is materially possible. Get down to setting up your own repository and no longer follow that of your ex-spouse. Create your personal universe, even if it’s only about details, such as the decoration of your bedroom.
In the case of joint custody, from time to time, ask an RTT the week you are without your children, to take care only of you. Enjoy your day off without children. Indeed, a happy mother is above all a happy woman. If children are your responsibility more often, invite their friends over for tea parties. Parents will soon return the favor, which will allow you to have free time to take care of yourself, without feeling guilty.
Finally, be a little selfish and treat yourself to rebuild yourself…
Look to others
Once you have regained control of your life, you can agree to meet other people, go out… The goal is not necessarily to immediately rebuild your life. On the one hand, because it is necessary that you have already healed your wounds. This other is not supposed to be a “band-aid man”. On the other hand, a new “job creation” must be done, at the risk of falling back into the same faults that led you to separate from your ex.
Dating After a Breakup Friends (and it’s human) tends to make a choice. Some surprise with their loyalty, others you thought you were counting on disappear into thin air… It’s time to sort out, like with your old sweaters. Go out, respond to invitations, invite… If you are embarrassed by the evenings where there is invariably a single person who is pushed towards you: “You don’t know Jean, he is divorced, like you”, do not hesitate to tell your friends. Stop letting others rule your life. Okay to meet someone, provided you don’t pick up all the singles in the area.
Finally, in this operation of lowering your self-esteem, surround yourself only with caring people. Exit negative people, those who know better than you what is good for you, those who envy your freedom, those who want to manipulate you by making you believe that they are helping you… And if to feel attractive, you have need to collect conquests, so do it, but be careful that it does not become an operation of destruction but of construction of your new “me”!
Start a new life
Of course, there is no recipe for rebuilding your life after a breakup. Did you meet someone during the mourning period of the old relationship? It suits you? So go for it.
As long as your ex has rebuilt his life with a younger woman, whom you will necessarily find prettier, more cheerful, more pleasant, more everything, this will make you want to show him that you are not alone either. If this solution is not necessarily considered to be the best, it can be a driver for you to feel attractive again in the eyes of another man and by extension in your own eyes.
Brick by brick, you will rebuild your personality, leaving a little room for the future companion of your life. With perseverance, you will find yourself.
One fine day, you will look back with amusement (in any case, we wish you!), and you will know that you are finally rid of your old skin and that with the new one, you are ready to start a new life, and this, whatever your age.
The advice of Laurent Romefort, a psychologist who discusses various subjects, including mistakes to avoid…
Is there a shortlist of mistakes to avoid during a separation?
First of all, it seems important to think about the other options that can be offered: what can we do rather than separate? The separation is often perceived as the simplest solution to eliminate the constraints and the conflicts which gradually came to pollute the idyll of the first times. This can also be due to the pressure of the couple on one of the members. Also pay attention to the role of families and friends. They can, through their emotional ties, intervene consciously or not in the couple and in the separation. It is important to realize that this separation is the fact of two people.Avoid considering that the other is responsible or that you yourself carry the weight of this decision alone: we build a couple together, we also deconstruct it together.
In case of separation, we must allow ourselves time to reflect… how to do it? Anyway, it is essential to really think alone, as a couple, with the help of friends about the possible options in order to perhaps choose the separation in a more enlightened way. The most common mistake would be to separate “little by little”, as if several small steps in the separation would make it more acceptable or easier. It is a way of pushing back or refusing the mourning and suffering of this rupture.
Isolation is a reflex that many women have, what attitude should those around them have?
Cutting yourself off from the world can be an important step in mourning and in rebuilding, these two movements can sometimes be confused. The person isolates himself in pain, disappointment, perhaps also shame or guilt (the question of the justification of guilt does not arise: it is simply experienced). The person must also, in a second step, re-learn to be well, at peace with themselves; find his needs, his desires, his inner life. If she doesn’t take the time for solitude , she runs the risk of jumping from one couple relationship to another, reproducing the pattern of the couple that she has just deconstructed.
What can relatives do? Relatives must remain available, attentive and put themselves on the rhythm of the person who has just separated. It is not a question of closing in with the other on his suffering, but simply of being available according to his means and his resources. If the mourning period is too long – more than a year after the break-up recorded by the move or the pronounced divorce, it is possible that the person locks himself in a somewhat sweet, bitter and melancholy posture. It may be good in these cases to “shake” it up a bit. The idea is to restore energy to get out of inertia. This must be done with kindness and in a prepared manner so as not to intervene on a whim.
How not to involve the children when a separation is particularly painful?
In a separation, as in many situations suffered without understanding why, the children seek to construct an explanation that involves them of the type: “dad and mom separate because I am not nice, because they don’t love more because of me.. .”.
It is necessary to explain to them with words accessible according to their age, that parents sometimes separate and that for all that they still love their children as much. It is necessary to differentiate the relations of love between the parents, and against the children.
One of the parents (or both) is tempted to speak ill of the other… In the event that one of the parents is tempted to speak ill of the other, whether this is justified or not, beyond any moral question, he must be aware that things could turn against him/her later, and in particular during adolescence.
The child must be left to build his relationship with each of his parents on his own, if he brings into play in the filial bond the conflicts that exist in the parental bond, things will very quickly be confused and complicated. In my view, each parent has a short-term, long-term interest and above all in the interest of the child, to maintain the relationship between the child and the other parent in a neutral and benevolent zone.
Finally, what advice would you give to a woman who is going through a separation (badly)? First of all, take the time to tell or write to the other person what you have experienced, felt, thought throughout this relationship. This allows everyone to become aware of the positive and negative dimensions of your story. Above all, it will allow you to make a fairer balance sheet that is not only loaded with the darkest elements.
Why else put everything so flat? This approach finally allows you to become aware of what you felt in terms of emotions during this period and to give the other an image of what you have experienced. The idea is to share even in the breakup a subjective vision of your life as a couple until the separation. It’s a process that can be difficult (you don’t have to send the letter if it’s too hard) and long, but very positive for you.
Then rely on your friends to read your story again, taking the time to qualify your emotions and thoughts. You can also do this work with a psychologist.
Take the time to live this period, telling yourself that it is a complicated phase, but which must be crossed, in its phases of pain and in its phases of euphoria, in its moments of doubts and tears as in its moments of loneliness and sadness .
The testimony of a woman
Testimony of Lili, 42 years old, mother of two children: Perrine and Jules, 12 and 10 years old. Separate…
The separation took place after how many years of living together?
After 13 years of common life, 8 years of marriage… My husband met, within the framework of his work, a woman in process of divorce. He would, it seems, fall in love overnight. He decreed that he no longer wanted our life, that he no longer loved me, because he loved another and that his life did not correspond to him (or no longer?!) and that he wanted to stop everything… Without no tact , he turned our lives upside down in 48 hours. If at the beginning, I had agreed to put a handkerchief on his misbehavior, I quickly saw that he finally wanted to stop everything.
It was agreed that infidelity and the cessation of feelings led us straight to divorce, a speech we had made once during our marriage.
It was in fact this famous weekend when he no longer wanted me…
How did it go materially and emotionally and for the children? Was this separation difficult?
When your husband announces it out loud in front of the children, when they see their mother screaming, crying in pain, the house is nothing more than shared tears and pains for them too… and then, cohabitation no longer didn’t help matters, even though my husband had become even less present at home.
The absence helped everyone to find a rhythm, another life. For the children, I decided to leave before the official divorce, to rebuild the three of us elsewhere. I wanted an apartment in the same neighborhood, with two bedrooms, one for each, with their bearings, their belongings, their toys etc., so that for them, there would be few things that would change.
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Rebuilding your life after separation
Following the testimony of Lili, 42 years old, mother of two children: Perrine and Jules, 12 and 10 years old. After a painful separation, she decided to rebuild her life, and gives some advice… Have you rebuilt your life, under what circumstances?
I who advocated loud and clear that I no longer wanted a man in my life, that a scalded cat fears cold water, I rebuilt my sentimental life fairly quickly… A friend pushed me to register on a dating site. I was even ashamed of it at the start, saying to myself “look at what you are lowering yourself to now…”.
And then, this man was different, he had suffered from the same thing, he understood me, understood my sufferings, my fears, my moments of ill-being… we met barely two months after my separation and he opened my eyes to what I had been living for 13 years, a life of routine, lack of tenderness and affection… but ultimately without love in our couple.
It allowed me to heal faster, yes I admitted it, because I was tending towards what I wanted now. I knew what I wanted, but more importantly what I didn’t want.
I am still with this man and we are making plans. I didn’t want to remarry and yet who knows…
You’ve been there, what advice would you give to others in the same situation, who want to start a new life?
Do not submit, ask yourself the right questions about your life, about your couple, question yourself too. And then open up to others, call for help, swallow your pride…
To be very surrounded, family like friends, not to withdraw into oneself, not to blame oneself. Life goes on, it doesn’t stop. To become happy again is to choose to be, again…
Infidelity, betrayal, blockage, vagaries of life… In a couple, there are many reasons that push them to move away .
When feelings are still relevant and you realize that you can’t live without each other , the idea of rebuilding your relationship can become obvious .
But never forget that before you want to rebuild your couple, you must start by rebuilding yourself .
Focus here on marital reconstruction !
Rebuilding your relationship after infidelity
Can we start again after an infidelity?
Yes! Rest assured, it is quite possible to rebuild your relationship after adultery .
Small aside, do you know that it is possible to determine in 2 minutes your chances of winning back your ex?
So, what are you waiting for to take charge of your reconquest?
While statistics show that women have more difficulty forgiving than men, it still shows that love triumphs in many cases.
Of course, saving your couple after infidelity is not something easy, and this, for both partners.
Indeed, the disappointed person is not the only one to suffer in this kind of case. The infidel has indeed a heavy burden to bear, he/she regrets, feels guilty, blames himself, etc.
Rebuilding your couple after being cheated on
In adultery, the most difficult thing to live with is not only to imagine the person you love in the arms of someone else . The wound is also and above all relative to disappointment.
In the collective unconscious, the couple lives in fusion . The partners must love each other and tell each other everything . And they must not be secretive , because the latter could be interpreted as treason .
Feeling cheated is hard to accept, to “swallow”
Reforming your union after infidelity is possible. However, you will need to be patient and courageous . Because only time can help you move forward and stop thinking about the images that haunt you.
To succeed in rebuilding your couple after deception , it is essential to go through a couple assessment and to accept reality and not try to ignore the facts.
If you manage to forget without accepting, putting aside your emotions and not accepting the fact that your spouse betrayed you, then these bad memories will inevitably come to the surface one day. or the other with their share of sadness .
To rebuild your couple after a deception , you must therefore go through several stages:
the explanation (understanding why there was adultery);
acceptance (accepting the situation in order to move on to the next step);
forgiveness (to forgive , even if it is very difficult);
rebuilding . _
Rebuilding your couple after a double life or after a one night mistake is not the same thing. The greater the deception, the greater the betrayal .
To keep your couple and to rebuild your couple after an infidelity , it does not happen overnight. Especially if the betrayal was long , premeditated , hidden or even helped by a third party.
If you cheated on your partner, of course, you should start by apologizing and doing some soul -searching .
Under no circumstances should you attempt to blame someone else .
If you felt abandoned, that your spouse was not present enough, then you could talk to mistake him about it and try to rebuild your couple before making “a”.
It is strongly advised not to reproach his/her partner for his/her lack of involvement, tenderness, etc.
Keep one thing in mind: nothing can justify your infidelity .
If you are wondering how to do it and your will alone is not enough, you can call on a specialist (couple therapist).
Rebuilding your couple after a separation
How to fight?
What to do when the couple is bad?
Rebuilding your relationship after a breakup is not as difficult as you might think.
Indeed, the separation automatically generates a step back on the part of the two partners and a more or less thorough questioning of their couple.
Those who separate become fully aware of their love , they realize that they miss each other and end up seeing again what they no longer saw .
The routine, the children, the work… The daily life is sometimes daunting for the couple, separating can make it possible to realize that we love each other!
Saving your couple and rebuilding it can only be done if you get fully involved and take good note of your mistakes.
The first thing is therefore to take stock, in pairs , together, then, each on his own (whatever the order).
The questioning of both spouses is essential to succeed in moving forward serenely .
Taking stock means taking a maximum step back from the situation.
Don’t compare yourself to other couples, see what you need and ask yourself these few questions:
Why did my ex not meet my expectations?
what did I expect of him/her?
how can i accept what was wrong?
Accept each other’s differences
Know that in a couple, you should not wait for the other to change but rather adapt in order to accept the differences.
Did your partner annoy you for such and such a reason? You can talk to him about it to try to improve things, but you should never wait for a radical change to be able to “validate” your relationship.
If the problem is serious (addiction, violence, etc.), you must imperatively seek help from a third party.
Don’t rush anything
Can you get back together after a separation? Yes, provided you don’t rush anything but also and above all don’t idealize the other.
Giving a second chance to your couple is quite possible . How many couples separate, idealize, reunite and are disappointed by this reunion!?
Often, the two former lovers see their former union with a little objective eye . They think that their reunion will be exceptional and that the separation will solve all their problems.
Of course, that is false . The separation should be used to move away to better understand and take stock, but it is not “ magical ”.
Keeping your feet on the ground and getting back together peacefully is how you will be able to rebuild your relationship after your separation .
Rebuilding your couple after a break
Like separation, a break can have beneficial effects and allow you to reform your couple .
The break is a break during which the two partners generally remain in a relationship but see each other less, if at all.
Some also use the break as a “false separation” . They then take the opportunity to live what they have to live, each on their own .
How to reform your couple after a break?
To heal your couple after a break , you have to use this break wisely.
During the break, both spouses must question their relationship and reflect on the consequences of a possible separation.
The break gives a taste of separation , it can scare or reassure.
Be careful, the break can of course lead to a permanent separation. It is therefore important to know what you want before even committing to this kind of so-called ephemeral break-up.
Getting out of the station wagon
You can absolutely use the station wagon as a springboard to rebuild your relationship . The break will allow you to step back to jump better .
Wondering what to do to rebuild your couple ? You will have to plan your meeting during the break .
To do this, question yourself and see what efforts you can make to save your relationship .
Ask yourself if you weren’t too demanding and if your story is really worth living.
If so, you’ll want to avoid conflict in the future as you work to rebuild a strong relationship .
Why rebuild your couple?
The break is not a final separation . If you’ve decided to take a break, it’s probably because you both want things to change and you would like to rekindle the flame .
To the question “ can we reform our couple? “, we answer you “yes”, without any hesitation.
If you’ve taken the step of initiating a break rather than a breakup, it means you still have hope .
Go to the end of the logic and attempt a reconstruction. Don’t we say “better to live with remorse than with regrets”? Go all out and don’t give up.
If you feel that there is still a glimmer of hope and that the feelings are still very much present, then you will have to make this break lead to a nice reunion.
Rebuilding your couple after baby
We could not approach the subject of the reconstruction of a couple without mentioning the arguments that arise after the arrival of a baby.
Baby: the shock we didn’t expect
Many couples idealize parenthood . They believe that becoming parents will bring them closer and help them get through difficult times because they will become a united family .
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The reality is quite different and the arrival of a baby within a fusional couple can sometimes have the effect of a cataclysm .
Overnight , the baby takes over, both physically and mentally.
The mother is often very involved (especially if she is breastfeeding), her body has changed and she feels totally invested in her new role as a mother.
The father feels a little neglected because he is no longer the center of attention of his companion. He doesn’t always understand his wife’s investment.
The dad can also feel left out when the mom is breastfeeding and spends a lot of time with her baby.
Of course, the conversations are often about the baby’s life. The couple moves away little by little , without necessarily without realizing it.
How to reform your couple after the arrival of a baby
Trying to rebuild without love or wondering how one can rebuild after adultery has nothing to do with rebuilding after the arrival of a baby .
The situation is fortunately less “dramatic” or at least, it is much easier to repair .
Partners who argue over the arrival of their first child find it difficult to manage their new life as a threesome.
Once they have found their bearings and if they agree to pass this difficult course, then they should succeed in finding complicity and loving each other again, as before.
The arrival of the baby does not lead to a drop in the power of their love. But they distance themselves and communicate much less easily.
If one of the two partners goes elsewhere and commits infidelity after the baby arrives, then the situation can become much more complex.
In this case, it will be necessary to work on both post-baby and post-cheating reconstruction.
To reform a couple after having a baby , all you have to do is slowly resume your couple clothes or find new alternatives to do what you love without depriving yourself.
Taking care of the baby and giving him 100% of his time inevitably leads to some frustrations.
To stay united, the couple must continue to have good times together .
Treat yourself to a babysitter and have romantic evenings. Take a different pace than before, organize yourself, for example, to put baby to bed early so that you can enjoy dinner alone together in the evening. Share household chores so as not to argue and do not hesitate to have your child looked after so that you can relax together.
Rebuilding your couple after a crisis
Rest assured, all couples experience more or less intense crises.
Giving your couple a chance after a crisis is quite easy, since it is possible to highlight the exceptional nature of the dispute.
The couple crisis can appear when there is significant stress in one, the other or both partners: problem at work, job loss, sick family member, etc. There are many things that can lead to a relationship crisis .
Our advice: identify the crisis (there must be a cause and a consequence) and see what solutions you can bring to it.
If the crisis is temporary, it will leave as it came and will strengthen your relationship. If it lasts, you will have to find more effective solutions to save your marriage .
For this, you will have to communicate with your partner and possibly offer him to follow a conjugal therapy.
How to rebuild your marriage after divorce
It’s not an easy business . You went through with your separation process, you signed all the papers, thought about the consequences and finally, you would like to get back together…
What does your ex think? Do you feel like your ex is hesitating ?
Can you rebuild your relationship after a divorce?
Some examples prove that yes, even if it is quite rare.
Everyone has the right to make mistakes and anger can sometimes lead to reactions that we regret afterwards.
Reuniting with your ex means being stared at by others and falling back into the arms of someone you may have hated.
Are you ready to know the difficulties and the challenges that this entails?
Rebuilding a couple after a divorce is not easy. This is a decision that is not taken lightly and must be made together .
If your ex divorced to marry someone else, then we cannot speak of reconstruction but rather of reconquest of love .
Weigh the pros and cons and give it a go if you think it’s worth it. The best way to succeed in rebuilding your couple will be to tell your ex about your feelings and intentions.
Rebuilding your relationship after depression
Trying to rebuild a couple is important, especially after depression. The loss of interest in life relating to the situation of depressed people can be very dangerous for the couple.
What to do after depression
If you have just experienced real depression, it is very likely that you have benefited from the advice of a psychologist or psychiatrist.
This therapy should have allowed you to put words to your ills and learn to live with your ill-being.
If you come out of your depression , you should therefore be able to start your love life again and rebuild your relationship as before (or even better than before!).
Reading forum posts or drawing inspiration from books can be a solution. However, the first thing to do is not to feel guilty .
If your partner has been waiting for you, you shouldn’t blame yourself . He/she did it voluntarily and you would certainly have done the same in his/her place.
You will be able to thank him/her for having supported you in this ordeal and you will have to appreciate every moment spent together.
Don’t be afraid of the future , the pain is over, you now only have beautiful things to live.
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What to do when you are no longer motivated?
If you do not feel motivated when you love your partner, you will absolutely need to be accompanied by a professional.
Depression is not to be taken lightly.
If you’ve lost your appetite and your relationship is falling apart because of your negative or depressive thoughts, it’s imperative that you take matters into your own hands by asking for help .
For this, you can consult one of our coaches or go to your general practitioner so that he can advise you on the most appropriate therapies.
Don’t let your dark thoughts take over your love life!
Good luck to all for your reconstruction!
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The result of this quiz finally lets you know where to start in your reconquest.
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